Forever, I've moved on.
New blog, http://neonmelody.blogspot.com/
All my LJ buddies can still comment via LJ, you don't need a BlogSpot account, so I still want to keep in touch!

Love you guys. :)

Lol, I never use you anymore. I want to, but I never have the time to sit down and post my life's thoughts and feelings. I mean, I think for my friends this is a cool place for them to know how I feel... But I don't want to talk about me all the time. I'm thinking of transporting over to WordPress... I just may.

I feel like, no matter if I try and think of all my problems, today was such a good day that my smile won't fade away.
Of course, I know the reality, but I also like to imagine.

So, I kind of want to brag right now, because I'm vain in that sort.
Today, school-wise, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
We took our chapter test in Science today, a subject I'm alright at, nothing special really. My other friend, on the other hand, straight A student.
She did study a very little amount, and I opened my book for five minutes before the test and talked to a friend did?
Well, once results got back, I was filled with happiness. 18/19! A high A mark.
She wasn't as enthralled. 16/19, a B mark. Which is still good, don't get me wrong.
And I know everyone has different strengths, and everyone has off days, but I was felt pretty smug.
Maybe it was the look of self pity on her face? I enjoy that sort of thing, but I think it was the fact that I usually never beat my friends.
Also; French class proved another ego boost.
I have a very small ego, honestly, this is the first time I've boasted in... Forever? Well, let's say years, due to my miniscule amount of self worth.
So, yes. French, teacher said I had 88%, I knew that wasn't right, I blatantly know I'm good at that subject so I went back.
Turns out he missed a worksheet, I actually have a 96%!
Finally, Socials/English, Humanities it is, I've been dominating a good percent of the class along with about 4 other people, and today in discussion I just... DOMINATED. Renaissance is so my thing. And, the vice principal saw it, who is also the head of the gifted program at my school. He was in our classroom to collect myself and another girl on an announcement that a speaker from Me To We/Free The Children is coming and as students of the gifted program, we had ample spots to listen in! SO EXCITED. Insanely excited.
Also the first day of enviornmental club, which right off the bat I can tell will be a hit, so many amazing plans in that.

So much good news, and on a Friday the 13th, of all days!

Now, since I've devoted like 40% of my life to them, LOS CAMPESINOS! time.
I opened We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed awhile back when I first bought it, of course and saw a red disk behind the CD.
Similar one was in the first CD's case and I figured it was the same, a sampler.
The red disk wouldn't play in my player or download in my computer... When I stuck it in... DVD CAME UP!
I was so excited, it was a 25 minute vlog type thing with the band. Made my whole night, it was amazing, concert footage and more.
Oh, how I love my Campesinos! so, so much. They can perk me up anytime.. Or make me want to kill the world.
Happy beats, pesimisstic lyrics? Win combo.

I'm also thinking of starting a video channel with my sister, so stay tuned for that.
So many more little things, friends, silly imaginations, and talking to my boyfriend that have added to the happiness.

And... I bet you all hate me now, for being such a boastful, ignorant whore.
Hey, it happens once every 6 months, live with it or don't, doesn't phase me.
Much love, wether you want it or not. ;]

Sorry, but I'm just so tired.

SO YEAH. Paranormal Activity, sweet movie man. The suspense was like a classic old movie, which is so refreshing from modern 'horror' flicks. 
So much happens all the time during todays movies that it's so predictable. Paranormal Activity was pretty awesome, original, and totally left the homemade feel. It even scared me a teeny bit, so I applaud it. Totally worth the eight dollars at the theater. 

Had a good day today, went shopping afterwards with my two friends I was telling about.
I shoplifted my first object today.... It was a freaking plastic chicken foot that had broken off at the discount store, so I don't really feel guilty.
It was just for lulz, and I mean, they would sell that for what, 5 cents? Seriously, but it was funny.
We also got nummy fruit shakes.

Gawd, I love hanging out with those guys, we had so many deep convos. I mean we just do when we're together, we spawned from religion, to virginity, to vegetarianism, to much more. Get three opinionated, crazy/fun-loving, organic people together, and you get hilarity.

T'was refreshing and I'm glad that we rekindeled our friendship. I can't ever talk to my other friends like that, unfourtunatly. 
They're just not interested in deep, intellectual, philisophical conversations.

So, I also bought Beatles boxers. That freaking pwns considering I needed some boxers, and they're Beatles!
 
Yeah, all in all, epic day of inside jokes and win. 

 Sorry, but I'm just so tired.

SO YEAH. Paranormal Activity, sweet movie man. The suspense was like a classic old movie, which is so refreshing from modern 'horror' flicks. 
So much happens all the time during todays movies that it's so predictable. Paranormal Activity was pretty awesome, original, and totally left the homemade feel. It even scared me a teeny bit, so I applaud it. Totally worth the eight dollars at the theater. 

Had a good day today, went shopping afterwards with my two friends I was telling about.
I shoplifted my first object today.... It was a freaking plastic chicken foot that had broken off at the discount store, so I don't really feel guilty.
It was just for lulz, and I mean, they would sell that for what, 5 cents? Seriously, but it was funny.
We also got nummy fruit shakes.

Gawd, I love hanging out with those guys, we had so many deep convos. I mean we just do when we're together, we spawned from religion, to virginity, to vegetarianism, to much more. Get three opinionated, crazy/fun-loving, organic people together, and you get hilarity.

T'was refreshing and I'm glad that we rekindeled our friendship. I can't ever talk to my other friends like that, unfourtunatly. 
They're just not interested in deep, intellectual, philisophical conversations.

So, I also bought Beatles boxers. That freaking pwns considering I needed some boxers, and they're Beatles!

Yeah, all in all, epic day of inside jokes and win. 

 

Living in BC, this is what my days are filled with.

 Lately I have been claiming how much I hate Canada, and living here.
This isn't one hundred percent true, I mean, like maybe 60%?
Besides our health care, I can't wait to GTFO.
Anyways, the bi polar weather has been pushing me over the edge lately, putting me in even extra bitchy moods. 
Walking to school, my broken umbrella, soaked sweater, curly hair.... Yeah, I'm whiney and vain, but that's me.
It's just so depressing being in constant rain, rain, rain!
But, I guess you do have to try and see the bright side.... Even through the dreary rain.
I mean, I'm not good at this optimism concept, but the weather doesn't make it any easier.

So today I had PE... Oh hell, now how can she ever possibly be expected to be optimistic!
Well, we had lacrosse. It was sunny, muddy/wet, and cold to start with. 
I was being an immature child and hitting water puddles with my stick, throwing mud, etc. and then my other pretty care free friend waltzed on over...
WATER FIGHT!
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Needless to say, 10 minutes later we were soaked through our already damp PE strip and had at some point ditched our socks and shoes.
Mmmm, love that feeling. 
Another friend ran over, splashed me in the face, messed up my makeup/hair, and we both just rolled on the ground laughing. 
You get to a point in the week where you're just feel all the stress and think, "You know what? I just do not give a flying fuck."
You just laugh. Or cry. Or both!
Walking home in the rain Thursday, I just yelled at it to rain harder. You just get so fed up, you don't care!
But yeah, fun times. Squishy, mud under our numb toes, and of course it clouded over and we were freezing to the point of where it feels like your burning.... Cold and being wet, ya know?
But meh. It was too much fun anyhow. 

Tomorrow I'm going to go see Paranormal Activity with the same friends. I recently befriended them this year, always knew them, never hung out really, it's cool too meet people with similar interests. Indie music and horror flicks. EXCITEDFACE. 
So yeah, that'll perk me up, especially the vegan food part. NOMNOM.

Peace, g'night. 

Bah, Halloween was pretty sweet!
My friend and I went out trick or treating, because we can.
As Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, I might add. Pretty. Freaking. Awesome. 
We each got a pretty good haul ;D

Then, I came home, ate some candy, surfed the net.
And watched late night horror movies! 
I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show... Interesting. I got lost a bit, but it was a pretty amazing movie.
I was so cuddley on the couch with two blankets and some chocolate in the dark, that I just crashed on the couch.
It was such a relaxing night, especially with the house to myself. Loved it.

Anyways, hope all of your Halloweens went smashingly!
Tell me what you went as haha!
 

One day until Halloween. I'm excited, my friend and I have a sweet pairs costume.
I'll tell you how it went, since I won't be partying or doing anything exciting after I trick or treat. Just being a loser/loner, whichever term you prefer. 

I'm so lonely. 

I feel hopeless. Utterly, I'm just sick of trying, of trudging on. 

You know when you're playing tug of war, and you keep pulling on the rope, your hands burning, your feet slipping? And all you can think is, "I just want to let go!" And you know that you can't, because you have to win.

Well, I've never been one to take winning to serious anyways, nor have I done it much.

 Has anyone else noticed lately that terrible music just got worse?
Not that I thought it was possible, but it seems that anything with a remotely negative effect can and will happen.
Oh lawrd, will you just look at Missy Polly Pessimistic.
STFU. My name isn't even Polly ;--;

Anyways, back to my rant discussion of the day.

So, I was watching the Much More Music Countdown or Video Flow, or whatever it is, early morning because I had already seen MTV's the Aftershow rerun. 
Black Eyed Peas came on (my ears fiercely protested), Emily Osment came on teh tube (my ears and brain got worried I was losing sanity at this point), Faber Drive came on (I died a little inside) and then Hedley came on. By this time, my brain was sending signals to my body to get up, walk into the kitchen, and pick up the nearest knife, to make the agony stop. Well.. Maybe that's a little over dramatic. 

But I noticed a common theme, and something that sufficiently disturbed me. 
Hedley and Faber Drive used to be just shitty wanna be rock-ish bands? With a hint of pop. Now they were totally cashing in on the whole dance beat-auto tuned voice-trying to hard club anthem-thing. They sounded so... Sellout-y? As if they weren't before. 
And then BEP just added to this with their once hip-hop beats gone totally auto tuned BS.

The second thing was when low on the radar Disney made pop "star" Emily Osment decided to sing her totally fake, computerized song. We all know the Disney stars cannot sing, it's all the computer working for them. Ever heard any of them live? You don't want to. 
So princess sang her little number, and I just thought it was stupid until I heard, "I want my rock n roll to shake the house down" or some cheesy line.
LOL WAIT... ROCK N ROLL? YOU CALL THIS ROCK? 
Anyone notice that all the Disney stars, Demi Lovato, Emily, Miley, Selena Gomez, etc. are all trying to shed the 'good girl' image and trying to go 'rock star' on us? It's pathetic. They have a 'band' to back them up, some more eye makeup, tight jeans and converse and they think and classify themselves under the rock genre.

I will let you take this in a moment, both discoveries are a little shocking. 
Or maybe you already noticed, I'm just slow on the uptake, as always.
But still, even if I sound extremely critical, as I am, I'm jussayin'.
It's my opinion, and personally yeah, I have my share of shitty bands on my iPod.
*cough Metro Station and Paramore cough*
But still... At least a good 70% of what I listen to has talent, or at least more than them. 

It's just like, no freaking wonder all the kids are going back to classic rock and raiding their parents CD collection or random, obscure alternative bands.

For the sake of good music, please try to broaden your horizons and distance yourself from this blasphemy. You're doing everyone a favor. 

Let's start off with, WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. 
That was an amazing movie, totally on my tops list.
Once I saw the commercial I knew it would be totally amazing.
Plus, Karen O and the Kids (Karen O, my love from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs) did the whole soundtrack.
Can you spell epicly amazing, or what?
Anyways, it wasn't any kids movie... Well it was, but people of all ages would love it.
It actually hit on really interesting problems, such as loneliness and depression.
Plus, the scenes were extremely beautiful. 
It was scary, messed up, tear jerkingly sad, but just so filled with love and fun.
Never have furry creatures with horns and a little boy in a cat suit ever made me feel so amazing, and make me cry twice. 
Very amazing movie, I give it 8/10.
Go see it.

So Saturday, when I saw it with my friends, was my mini birthday party. 
It was very nice, shopping downtown.
Plus, I got the new Modest Mouse CD, and the second Los Campesinos! CD, along with a bubble tea. 
That made me pretty happy.
Both very good CD's I must say, still working on my other CD reviews... It's been what? 2 months...?
Yeah, I'm a hardcore procrastinator.

Anyways, schools lame.
Life's lame.
I'm lame.

Digital Photography is going quite well, it's my favourite class, obviously. if you want to keep up with my minimal progress, here's the link: www.flickr.com/photos/meganlawrence/

Kbai. 

THANKGAWRSHITISFRIDAY.
I can't wait to just spend some time downtown and at the movies with my friends tomorrow, and chill out.
So stressed lately, should be noice.

OMG. I'm over heated, dirty, sweaty... Ok, don't take that sexually, it's my fat ass remember? Not sexy.
But yeah, I'm just getting home from school and I look grody ha. 

LOL GUESS WUT? Did my band re-test, got a 13/15 not a 9 :D
That perked me up ha. 
WOAH GOSSIP GIRL IS ON-

I'm ditching y'all for Chuck Bass's sexually devious and intriguing eyebrows.
Kbai. 

 Break down number...3 is it at school? Oh, you've really out done yourself this time, now haven't you, Megan.

I may be upset a lot, but I haven't actually had a good cry for maybe 2 months? The tears just never came.
Well, I think all of my two months just came pouring out.
I basically just made it too the front door, opened it, and slowly slid down the wall. God, I bet I looked like a bloody mess. That's the reason I never cry at school, meh a few tears but not a good ol' fashion sob fest.
Did that hold me back today? Not a fucking chance.

After last block, I kind of just broke down on my friends shoulder. I'm sure she didn't understand why I was so upset, or really even know what to do with me... But she just starting hugging me tighter. I just needed that today, I needed that months ago. 

All my problems just hit me on the walk home, I was already in tears but they all just hit me like a train transporting 10,000 refrigderators. 
Band class really set me off last block, it started all of this. School in general maybe. I think I'm doing well, try my best, but no dice.
I just can't take the pressure of band. You think, "LOLOL BAND GEEKS? PFFT. SCRAWNY KIDS DON'T DO NUFFIN IN DAT CLASS." 
LOLWUT?
We are constantly under pressure, no matter how much we practice. It's just an insanely stressful class.
Obviously between everything else, I don't need it. I love(d) it and wanted to become better so bad, but maybe some people just aren't muscians. Maybe I'm better off with art. 
The best kid in our class, he's probably a year advanced than us, yeah he's quitting. It's just not enjoyable once it makes you runny nosed and hyperventalating. 

Between all of this, I'm constantly bagering myself about my weight/apperance. I try hard, fuck I know my "dieting" is even starting to hurt my body. I'm getting massive stomach aches when I eat more than one meal. Does that stop me? No. Does it bring me results? Pfft, I did. Now it's just doing nothing, no matter how hard I try.
My family is constantly screaming back and forth at each other, I just can't fucking take it!
My school work, whatever. I am constantly trying, does it pay off? NO! Just going to have to try harder!
I'm always having to try harder!

Thus why, it would be easier to just give up.

I need another cry, or a smoke. When I'm like this, all is on my mind is self harm. Or smoke's. I'm not exactly trying to quit, but for someone else I am restricting myself. It's killing me more than they would. That's such a almost sick thought, I think I should talk to a counsellor. Last year I got sent to one, I was supposed to report back this year. Have I, no. I'm not exactly sure why either.

It's been fun, we should do this again sometime.

 So, I was alerted that thanksgiving is tomorrow.. Not today...
Oh well. My family is still having the dinner tonight.

SO HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY LIVEJOURNAL BUDDIES. 

Here's a pumpkin pie for you, I baked it myself.

Bah!
SO, they couple that was madly in love, that could never break up, the one that put me through utter hell last year...
My best friend and my crush, yeah their over. 
I never saw this coming... I don't even think they saw it coming.
Anyways,  I'm just going to be supportive and see how this one plays out. 
I'm taking no sides, both did right and wrong things. 
I'm already sick of talking about this.
My one friend was like "YAY ZOMG MOAR DRAMA FOR TEH YEAR CUZ IT'S LIKE SOOOO BORING."
I was like ... ZOMG. *run away and hide*

Anyways, my birthday was on Thursday!
This was my best birthday ever! 
My friends went all out, hats, cup cakes, singing in every class.... It was embaressing but cute!
I really felt that day, that when some people said the regular "Happy Birthday" and gave me a hug, that they really ment it!
It made me feel better than ever, plus all the Facebook wall posts XD
I'm such an attention whore, don't I sound like one...
But be honest, it's a nice feeling to be... Appreciated?

Plus my dad got me a new camera :D
SO FREAKING HAPPY <333
It's so much nicer too, and totally goes with my FLICKR PRO ACCOUNT. 
www.flickr.com/photos/meganlawrence/
Yep, that's where it's at kids ;D

Not to mention a dinner consisting of sushi and smoothies... NOMNOM.
It was a very gewd day :3

 I has no song lyric for the title of the entry ;--;
So, I'll just put a band. And a very good band, at that. That, is what emo music is little children. GO, OFF WITH YOU TO YOUTUBE, NAO.

Anyways, I'm home sick.
People automatically assume I mean I have a cold or flu, and even though I really am to tired from my cold and can't breathe... Yeah mentally sick might fit in there as well. Don't need no breakdowns at school today, now do we. 

Meh, to elaborate on the last post like I said I would... PLAY STILL MAKES ME GIGGLE WHEN I REMINISCE. Fucking sexy.
Oh and yeah... So I was talking to my bf on MSN and he was with his friends... And his friend gave him two bj's while I was talking to him, but he asked me permission... Kind of. I guess I said yes, only because I'm not physically there myself and I figure, well he still needs sexual attention, and I can't give it to him.
But like, he didn't have to describe to me what was going on! That would have made me feel a lot better if he hadn't.

Pleaseeeeee don't make me go back to school...
First, I don't want to do PE, I haven't worked out in 3 days from being sick and having no energy, and I will suck, so so bad. 
And I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE.
No wonder I'm having so many cry fests.
This needs to stop, I need to just distance myself from everyone, become the library loner at school.
Who the fuck goes from pretty popular, with lots of friends, to a library hermit? 
Am i fucking insane? It's social suicide, why would I even think this...

I guess I'm at the point where i just don't care anymore. I mean, it's not that i don't care about my friends, it's that I just wouldn't care if I left them anymore- Minus a select few.  Gawd, I'm sucha bitch ;--;
I'm contemplating moving back to Ontario with my dad, when he gets a house. 
Maybe a new start, new scenery would be good for me. Because here, I'm going mentally insane.
I always run from my problems >_>

My birthday is coming up so soon... I need to make a list, to get my mom off my back. I'm not even excited. I might do a mini thing with some friends, but even that depresses me because I can't invite all my close friends, and I know I will hurt people that I really care about. FUCK. If I had the money, I would invite everyone ;__;
And all I want for my birthday is a new camera, I miss my old one so much.
Why did my friend have to drop it and kill it. I know she feels terrible, but it doesn't replace the fact that besides my iPod, I loved it like a child.
I want to be a photographer for darn sakes.

This is getting rambely, I need to go listen to some music as I lay in my moms bed. 
I need to clear my head, and order my thoughts. I could blame the scatterbrainess on being sick, but I'm so jumbled right now that it seems like lately every entry is like this.

 Why is it this time in the morning... Why am I not sleeping...?
Why did I give my boyfriend to let his friend blow him twice while he was talking to me on MSN and I told him I didn't mind...?
"WAIT WHAT!? Why is she a mental freak!", you all are wondering. 

WARNING: This is what happens in the wee hours of the morning, I blurt out random things that make me happy or hurt me.

So my birthday is in 4, no wait 3 days (lol I forgot that it's technically tomorrow.) and I'm not excited at all. 
I'm going to do a movie with my friends and a hangout but meh, I feel extremely bad because I have a limit, and too many close friends ;__;

Something rocking though, my friend took me to see my first theater play tonight as my birthday present, and it was really amazing! This guy we both love is in it, so yeah. Him shirtless at one point... In his PJ pants... I think my eyes bulged. He was amazing, play was amazing. It made me so happy.
Plus Oli Sykes guy (Don't ask.) checked me out- says my friend- when he passed us to get into his seats. He's nomalicious aswell. I got a compliment on my necklace aswell, so I'm not doing to bad.

Bah >.< So. Freaking. Tired. 
I will elaborate on this, when I'm not falling asleep.
I guess sometimes I do this, trying to recreate that beautiful summers morning that I stayed up for all night one day... That was a very very bad day, and I was such a basket case I couldn't sleep. But yeah, the reward was stunning, one of the most peaceful moments of my life.

BUT YEAH. Tonight, so not the night to be doing this, I have mad ass homework tomorrow.
Sweet dreams, doods.

 Recipe for a Mental Break Down at School:

Take 1 Stressed Out, Angry Teenage Girl
Math Homework
Social Studies Project
No Food
Bitchy Friends
A Broken Camera
And Stupid Teachers

Mix gradually until all the components clash together and the teenage girl breaks down into tears, quietly by herself.
Enjoy!

And how was your day?

Yeah, I'm going to shower, listen to Taking Back Sunday (CD Review Coming Soon) and then cry.

 LAUREN, COME BACK. I DON'T CARE IF THE BITCH IS BACK (Lulz MTV Joke) BUT THE HILLS NEEDS YOU ;__;
...And I need you *sob*

...Yeah...
The Hills first new episode with Kristen is on.

Anywho's, Grade 9-Trumpet-Dude-Who-I-Now-Sit-In-Front-Of-Because-Band Teacher-Moved-Our-Row-Down, stop playing so freaking loud! My ears are still ringing!
Wow, that is a ridiculous title. I am a ridiculous person.

So like, that tall (I has thang fer tall doods.), black fringe hair'ed, skinny jean wearing, orange-ish hightop SEXY FREAKING MAN... Wait... Where am I even going with this...?
OHYEAH. Hawt dude, walked past me as I was on the bench writing some poetry (LAWL) like a million times, I saw him peek back at me. 
He is so cute ;__;
This made teh Megan happy.
Along with another cutie talking to me a teensey bit more at school :D

You know, I thought I would be like "OMG, THAT GUY THAT I HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON LAST YEAR THAT IS DATING MY FRIEND IS NOT BEING A JERKOFF TO ME." *happy dance*
But honestly, I could care less.
This makes me happy, not because he's not being weird but because I couldn't care less, even if he was to start spitting at me when I walked by, because it trully means I am over him. I am, and I knew I was, but this just proves it.
So no drama from that this year, yay!

BUT OMYFREAKINGGAWD, so much homework lately, I'm so tired after school and the homework does NOT help. Bah.
But doesn't help that myself, another chick and two guys gossiped all math class about whore bags and then moved on to talk in depth on the subject of sex, condoms, and hj's and bj's. Lol @ complete irony of that.

Anyways, meh, yeah. So like, yus and shiz and whatever.

/Is going to not write anymore interesting drama on LJ because she will now watch The Hills.

And yeah... After a year of fighting Paramore... I like them >.>
Minus any work they did for Twatlight. Gross.
But yeah, I'm ashamed so please don't give me TOO much hell. 

Gross, it's officially now 12 pm, Sunday. GROSS.
Sunday is like the worst day of the week... The thought of Monday looms over you like a bitch.

So, it is midnight and why the hell am I posting so late? WELL, WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Okay, settle down Megan. Enough swearing.

All I did was watch movies today, but that's not what I am here to tell you because frankly everyone could care less. 

I started with Ironman. MEGAN LIKES. I Love me some marvel super hereos <3 (I have a huge crush on Spiderman.)
I give it 8/10. It would have been perfect if there was more action and the plot at times was a little sketchy... But hey, all the better for Ironman 2, amirite? ;D
 And then I watched The Reader, with Kate Winslet. ZOMG THAT UNDERAGE GERMAN BOY WAS HAWT. Yeah, creepy I know, but hey he banged a 30 year old, maybe he goes underage as well? Megan says yes. Anyways, 8.5/10 because it was very touching and made me cry 3 times just a little bit. It had a very good plot and surprisingly the ending didn't suck. That's my pet peeve, bad movie endings.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, after all the hype I just had to check it out. The movie would have been so so much better if the beginning didn't suck so much. I mean it's so stupid, yeah a backwards clock but how would that actually make you grow up young? Woah, mindfuck. Meh, it was okay, made me cry also... I liked it. 7.5/10.
Sicko, the Michael Moore documentary on American health care was by far my favourite. Totally eye opening, made me really be happy to be in Canada for once. And want to move to England or France ASAP. I mean in England the cashier pays you at the hospital if you have to take a taxi there! Compensation! And France, they send a helper your first week of having a new kid and the helper does your laundry! I had no idea how bad the American system is when it comes to health care, I mean they actually will try and deny you it so they get more money! It's all "Sure we want to give every American a fair chance" but in reality, they will cheat you out of saving your life so they can haz ur monehz. I could go on, but I won't. Anyways, 9/10.
Finally, Running With Scissors. So, this movie is from a memoir... Yeah glad I wasn't that kid, I have no idea whatthefuck was going on there at all. 7/10.

So that's my movie reviews... Nothing up to Ebert's but meh, don't take me too seriously anyways. For future reference, don't take me too a bad movie ever, unless we're just there to make out anyways, because I will sit there and contradict it the wholllllleeee time. 

I bet you can't wait for my music reviews soon now, eh? They are a coming.

Anyways, Lights new song Saviour is sex. Like her. I'll be her saviour, she's a babe. 

I'm also writing a short horror story, I'll tell you how it goes. 

Anyways, nights nights children. <3

*goes into angsty fuck you all mode*

So, like I knew I should not have gone to school today. 
I had a feeling, I told myself, Megan you are so going to have a fucking break down or something this morning.
I never listen to anyone, not even myself, when I really should. 

Last night I was sitting there, listening to Los Campesinos! (If you haven't guessed, I'm VERY obsessed with them lately.) and I look over at my extremely messy night stand, and there sits my old friend. Bah, I sound so weird saying this, I'm ashamed typing it ;__;
Anyways, yeah 1/3 of a bottle of ibuprofen or whatevers. That stuff used to be my freaking crack, I'm guessing I have terrible liver damage from it and all the booze, ya know? 
So, yeah. But at least it was only 5 in one hour, instead of you know, 13 or something in 1.5 hours.
Talk about pacing yourself, eh?
Now all I needed was a bottle of vodka and I would be set.

I'm just pissed with myself, I thought I was passed this! I haven't had pills in literally months, not that I was trying not to or anything, but my mom brought them for me for feeling like freaking shit from shots. Bad, really bad after effects from random chemicals in your body, better protect me from tetanus and cervical cancer godamnit. I haven't done any self harming in a bit, thought maybe this time it would be like pfft, whatever I know I'm stronger than my problems.
Well guess what, I'm human and not a strong one at that. 

So this brings me back to this morning. I was just so anxious, I haven't been sleeping properly because of it either thus moar pills to knock me out, and everything just ganged up on me today, one thing after another. It was as simple as forgetting a math textbook, or having to re do a test question over about 4 times, to my self image (OMG LYK WHUT A SHOCKA, IKNORITE?), too freekkkinggg everything! Bah, I just don't even know anymore. There was a point last week where I thought, maybe I should be more positive, this pessimism is not healthy for me honestly. And I was going to try and put more positive energy into my life, but why should I when only hours later one disturbing text brings it all back.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, may or may not make a difference.... I mean I have friends, but none that I would trust not to judge me. They may say they won't, but thats when the backstabbing and pre judging starts. I trust none of them enough, I have no one that is very supportive, minus my one friend who I hardly see anymore, I trust her completely and she is amazing to talk too. One time I showed her my journal that I used to write in, just because I trust her like that. 

FFFFUUUU- Just spazzed at my friend... I feel bad, I'm so on edge that I keep doing it but honestly, I don't want to deal with her problems. Most of my friends come to me for their fucking pity or little problems, and don't get me wrong but I love helping them, they mean so much! Ironic that I just blew one off... But I'm just about to have a second break down of the day, I can't give out advice. 

Right now, I just hate everyone. Especially myself.  

And there's nothing I can do, nothing healthy that is. Maybe this will help, this long ass rant. I apologize to any readers but I also haven't updated in like days... weeks? So yeah. 

So, let's get straight down to this.
MTV VMA's the other night, yes we are talking about this, live with it.
THEY SO NEEDED MOAR RUSSEL BRAND! WHATTHEHELL. Never enough Russell when that sexy brit hosts them. He's so damn funny!
And, what everyone seems to care about, MY NEW IDOL KANYE WEST.
HA freaking HA I love that man.
We all know Taylor Swift can't sing worth a damn live, without electronic voice help, she's screwed. She's a puppet for the record companies milking money for them from kids with her sappy, cheesey, wannabe country songs. No talent at all. She deserved to be called out, and I mean meh, it was cruel but I enjoy such things.
annnnnd Yeah Yeah Yeahs lost an award to uh... Can't remember but I knew I was pissed, they so deserved it. Same with how Asher Roth deserved Eminem's award. Oh well.
ANDDDDDDDD....
LADY GAGA HA HA. Her performance was sweet, meh, I'm not a fan but she had a really cool performance minus her stupid outfits. 

To what I really wanna get at, dude, my goal(s) are coming more into focus, I got a little taste of them and I love it.
I have never ever felt proud of myself in my life, I'm not BSing you and now I think I may accomplish this!

First, today in gym I ran the 1.5 km, which usually takes me about 10 mins, and I ran it in 7! Even if my gym teacher is a pyscho rapists (well he asked a chick my age for nudes and ONLY got suspended for 3 months, fucking sickens me) he pushes us extremely hard and I think it may help me loose weight. When I ran in and got my time, i swear my face shone... Or that was just the flushed red cheeks, either way. AND, I have been controlling my eating so well *big grins*. I turned down cake last night ahha, but I'm especially happy that i only eat dinner and can control that to tiny portions (but my mom is a gross cook so it isn't hard) and very minimal snacking through out the day. Plus I bumped up my workout in quantity and length.
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Secondly, focusing on school. I've kept the chatting down, really doing my homework well and especially practicing my sax. I mean, last year i maybe brung it home 5 times a year to practice, now it's every second day. I really want to work on my playing, and I can tell that my note reading has improved. I'm getting hassled less by my band teacher for it as well. In english, one of my most favourite subjects, I already got a 6/6 on my first writing assignment. I participate in class more with discussions, it's nice to get an opinion out and debate.  So I think school may go well for me this year, not too sure yet but yeah.

Anyways, I'm going to keep focusing on these two things and virtually not a lot else. I have no hope for myself, but we will see where this goes.

That is all.

 Yeah, so like I'm too frustrated and tired to write a long entry, I will adress the full thing tomorrow but...
CONGRATULATIONS TO KANYE WEST <3

That man is my new hero.

more tomorrow ;D

 Well, like I said, I would alert you how the first day of school went.

So, I got there, with my best friend (we both looked really nice, jussaying) and we realized we were an hour early.
FML.
We walked back to my place after, watched Punk'd re runs and then went back up.
Met up with all the buddies and such before the assembly and got every one's number. OH! EW I SAW THE L WORD. We don't say his name in front of me. But he looks even more douchey then normal, don't know how that is physically possible but he did it. Oh well, let him go seduce more LG's he will not be tolerated in this entry.
Anyways, yeah went to TA, got my schedule and compared with people (found out my bestie isn't with me D:) except I have band with my girl Emily so yeah... Maybe this year when the teacher gets mad at us he will kick over more than just a music stand ;D
oh lawrdy, good times, good times.

Not to productive, not to many weird/scared/grossed out looks were shot my way, one freaky chick with bad bleached purple hair says to me "NICE" *bitch glare* as she passes me in the hall... I knew she was commenting on my hair, but was she being sarcastic? We will never know, and frankly I do not care.

So yeah, not a win, but not exactly a fail.
BUT OMG OUR TA TEACHER BROUGHT IN CONCORD GRAPES. WINWINWINWIN <3 
They are like orgasms of the mouth, I kid you not. 

OHOHOH, and this guy, he was coming out of a classroom while I was talking to my friends and he smiled and waved. I mean, I have texted him once being a creep and we FB chatted about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and he recognized me! That made my day (:

Hur yes (:

Erm, anyways, I'm out of things to talk about... Because frankly lately I've been too bitchy, upset, and freaking out about my weight as well, to care enough to do anything but listen to new CD's. And think about WoW... oh gawd, I played the game for 20 mins and now I can't get it out of my head D:
I NEED TO KILL THINGS AND EAT THEIR CORPSES. 
yeah................................
So like yeah, I need help, mentally, physically, and such. Ha, someone on teh interwebz told me I had an eating disorder.  Ha, sure, whatever.

OH AND LYK DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE IS ON THE NEW MOON SOUNDTRACK.
why... why... WHY!?!?! 
fuck, why DCFC, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I dun like this ;--;

kbai. 

EDIT: By reading, this can you so tell that I post on forum's too much and read 4 chan a lot, or what >.<

 First day of school tomorrow.... FAIL.
FAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL.

FUCKMYLIFE.

I'll explain how I was extremely mortified how it went tomorrow.

Also; Get ready for some mad music reviews, I'm almost done listening to all my CD's and borrowed ones from my friend and my mom.
HEY DON'T BE HATIN' BIOTCH MY MOM HAS THREE CD'S I WANT.
Pink Floyd and 2 Mother Mother CD's. Nothing wrong with those.

anyways, yeah get ready for me to pour out my little confused and whiney heart more than ever soon...
If I'm not too busy with my 10 day World Of Warcraft trial that I'm gonna download soon >.>
OMG THAT SOUNDS WORSE THAN I THOUGH IT WOULD D:
fuck, I'm sucha nerd! But that game is amazing....

I'm sorry, I need to GTFO lyk nao.

 erm yeah because quiet frankly, it took me two hours yesterday too clean my bedroom and i was very sweaty after the end of it, in my small 30 degree room. 
plus i listened to that song.

it all makes sense in my head. 

FFFFUUUUUU- If I get this notice one more freaking time >.<

14	Adult Content Notice
The content that you are about to view could contain adult concepts which may not be suitable for minors. You must be at least 14 years of age to view this.

I hate this, I registered my LJ as 13, which I am, but all my friends are 14 so i always get this trying to view their posts.
It makes me feel so young ;--;
btw, HOW IS 14 AN ADULT ANYWAYS! gawddddd.

I always feel young, I'm short, freaking shorty, i hate eet D:
No one takes you seriously when you're this age...
and your boobs are to small at this age...
*GASP* WHO SAID THAT! >.<

dur dur, i hate my life, and that isn't even reason enough to hate it.

the whiney bitch I am.
live with this, or do not read. Which ever you see fit.
also, I understand my lack of capitals is disconcerning and I see all those red underlines, I honestly do not care. 

meh meh, plus why do I hate most typical guys, yet seem to miss him so much all the time.
If I am in love (or the teenage equivalent to it that dosen't usually make it past 6 months) I might have to shoot myself D:
we all know Love is utter BS, get over this.
honestly, it's a scary concept to me, so I'm basically blocking it out of my life.
Please and Thank you.

Stupid random scatterbrained journal entry, lame.

know what is even lamer than this (oh yea, it is like so possible), I has to clean my fucking room >.>
want to see what it looks like, right at this second?
this is build up from my Onatrio trip, and mad as shopping.

 OMG I WAS SO GOING TO PROPOSE THE IDEA OF A GROUP ORGY BUT THEN THE VON BONDIES PALE BRIDE CAME ON THE RADIO.
hawt damn i am in love with this new radio station!

anyways, i got back yesterday, back home. 
it feels nice to be home, but i fucking hate the fact that every year i have to fly to a new home for a bit, get settled and then come back home.
it's so much change >.<
and too much packing...
did i mention i HATE packing with a passion? erm yup.

whats worse than that though is the fact of saying goodbyes ):
i hate leaving my family... or when the leave me permanently or annualy.
it hurts either way.
and seeing how my little sister leave her dad at the airport...
i mean, i trained myself not to cry while wearing eyeliner now but she usually crys the whole 5 hour flight home.
sure it's embaressing and annoying, but her quiet sobs break me up into my own tears >.<
seeing a 9 year olds heart brake a little more everytime, isn't something that is easy for me to witness.

on a more positive note, me and my bff went to HMV today in Nanimo to get CD's and such :D
ROFLMFAO WE LIKE TOTALLY PISSED THE GUY OFF XD
he was all "oh please, Mother Mother is just trying to be Modest Mouse with a female singer."
My friend: "Actually, they have two backup singers that are female and the lead singer is male."
HMV Music Snob: "No."
Her: "Yes, i saw them in concert."
he was silent after XD
but not before telling me that Escape The Fate wore Wal Mart bought skinny jeans >.>
i was ready to slap him, or inform him that at least the cheap material is easyer to rip off them OR that at least they could fill out their wal mart jeans ;D

anyways, i got the new Los Campesinos! album, Sia- Colour The Small One, Taking Back Sunday's first album with bonus material, Passion Pit's Manners and Yeah Yeah Yeahs It's Blitz and i still have Semi Precious Weapons We Love You to listen too.
so new music reviews coming up ASAP ;D

anywhos, im jet lagged. with no coffee or red bull. ffffffffuuuuuuu- suck my dick.
....

yeah....bye....

Ohai guys.
So, I may or may not have just gotten a new haircut that looks rad, but hey whatever no big deal...

OMG OMG OMG I AM SO HAPPY IT LOOKS FANTASTIC!!!!

yeah it's so not a big deal.

OMGZ GUISE LYK LOOK AT MEH HURRRRR!


it's black in the front and my natural brown in the back (:

and...HOME IN 2 DAYS! :D
lifes looking okay....for today ;D

Again, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand as my hair dropped in front of my face, shielding it from the situation. He will be five minutes, I thought, I could easily pop the trunk, grab his red hockey bag with my dirty clothes and just bolt. Just run, to the only place I feel at home. It was the closest thing to home I had felt, sleeping in that house. Now I was waiting outside the Tim Hortons, only minutes from it, in his car. I wanted that hockey bag, and wanted to run, over that fence and through the church yard, or even just on the main road. I wouldn't care even if he did see me on that road and drove up behind me... My mind just screamed at me to run to the house. I could, oh how I easily could. But would I? No.

I just miss my step dad's house... two days with him is not enough. With him, my sister, and my step brother, I felt like I was happy and I could laugh freely... I knew where I was, and I liked it.

Unlike with my dad. I love him, but as I'm getting older, we just start clashing and it's so stressful. It even started me on smoking here because I couldn't cut. I love him and he's a good dad, but I could go on and on about the mistakes he's made with me. He dosen't realize that I'm a teenage girl. FUCK EVERYTHING HE DOES PISSES ME OFF. He's doing it now for goddsakes as I type.

I don't know. Let's just say, maybe next year I might not come back. I feel like a bitch, I'm his daughter but he makes it unbearable and all I feel like doing here is chopping at my arm... so what's the point! 

honestly, i really do wish i could give you an answer, but i can't.
i have no idea whats going on, where i going..or where i even am for that matter.
all i know is im being forced into things i don't like, when i would rather be somewhere else...that i don't know of...

im in a terrible place right now, physically and even more so mentally.
that's all i know, that's all you need to know.

don't ask me to explain, it will just make me crave the cigarette replacement of a knife.
and i have neither... so don't mess with me, i'm just not in the mood.

one word, home.
one place.
one want.

i have no idea how much more of this i can take before i crack... i'm hoping it's sooner than later.

something that dosen't help much is, no contact with him... oh how i yearn for him.
and contact with him, he is one of my favourite people, why do i have to be head over heels for him when he likes me...
i don't know what i am going to do there honestly.
when i figure something out, i will let you know.

only time will tell.
that's all i really am certain of right now...
wait it out.

In the dark, i groped for the lonely cigarette and it's lighter, as i dashed out the door and into the chilly night. Standing on the high wooden balcony, overlooking the pavement sea of the broken neighborhood, i lit the only thing i had for a quick, and disgusting calm down that was available for me. The snoke seeped through the night as i looked above. That's when the first star fell. I flicked away the burning fake sense of security and stared motionless into the sky. Another meteor. Running down the stairs, I cocked my head as high as i could to the sky and waited... I looked over, wishing I had something to lay on and peered at the dew covered green car. Good enough for me, I had never been one to experience many things fancy, so a cold car would do. I hopped up on top of it, put my black hood over my head and rest my head against the rock hard glass. I could feel the water droplets soaking into my back, my sweater like a sponge, but I didn't care. Here I was all alone, laying on a car in a mini skirt and a hoodie, my face stained with the days black eye makeup and just my iPod. Why not? I plugged into it and just layed there, motionless forever, it almost seemed. Everytime I saw a star, with Tokyo Police Club ringing in my ears, i felt...content. It was just me, the sky, and the music, and I felt longing for him, but maybe even happy? Not with myself, just in general, like all my problems had flew away with every star that fell. One star was naking it's way across the sky like an ant on the driveway does. Slowly, then fast it inched it's way..left and right...back and forth... I just wanted it too make it. If i felt all right, i wanted everything else to too. That moment, I can't even put into words but all i can say as if i finally felt like i was in my body... I finally felt like i was in myself. I knew myself, I didn't hate myself. I was fine with no makeup, no done up hair. I was comfortable and calm. Finally, I realized the time and decided that the night was done. I was done. As i leaped down to the pavement, I claimed, "This is how life should be. Simple." Again, " This is how life should be! Simple!" and finally I whispered into the stars glowing back at me, "Simple."

That night, I will never forget and always look back upon, wondering how the stars made it, where they are in life now. Because at the time, I felt like my life was as open as the sky, and I could do  anything and go anywhere.

-Megan Lawrence

in a nut shell, he had the oppurtunity to cheat, but didn't.
he actually stayed completely true to me, so why do i feel so terrible?
like im going to throw up...
i won't tell you the whole story, it is kind of funny, but if you want the whole thing in his words, MSN me, k?

ffffffuuuuu-
i am never just good enough am i...
i guess without knowing the story, i am kind of just rambling...
oh well.

im not good enough, no matter what he says.
he said he loved me, and i have never felt hrut by a boy before...does this mean i love him too?
i just don't know...

god i need to see him so bad >.<
but when he sees me, he will say wow, not what i though you would be...
short, fat, annoying, no experience, and over all gross.
stupid hairsprayed eyeliner whore.

i need a smoke, and a cut, but since i  can't have my preferd i will take a smoke.
if i can steal some...
i will elt my worries carry away in the sickening smoke as it seeps into the dark sky
that will tongiht, by fluttering with meteors...i hope it isn't too cloudy.
15 minutes to go...

for now i have The Beatles to get me through and oh do they ever.
even after all these years...they are still effecting generations.

just remeber kids, all you need is love.
and when theres no love, theres death.
i do not promote death..im just twisted mmkay?

but hopefully, you have the love of your friends, like i do, because they truly make life worth living.
even when you doubt yourself.

...thats what she said ;)
but in all seriousness, ew old Green Day was on the radio...EW.
i can stand them when they were in their Dookie days but now...
well let's just say im not a fan of sell outs turned way too poppy.
and i only call bands sell outs when i TRULY mean it....
but enough about those now-losers.

moar bout meh guys ;D
haha nahhh jay kay.

this is just gonna be a quick update to say....I GOT A CELLY PHONE :D

ya know that beast to be exact ;) ^^^
pretty damn sexy huh?

so i be txting away for the next bit because i have wanted a cell forever and now i finally have one :D

*sigh*..but a happy sigh for once ;D
not the whiney em0w kid one i usually give XD

anyways i'll be cmaoing all weekend...
and not even cool camping with skinny dipping and booze D:

so i guess this is good bye...*sniff*
*huggles you alll* buh byesss...for now ;)

i have this sense of longing and regret.
i sit on the top of the stairs, like it is a wooden hill and stare out into the horizon as calming indie repeats itself, like a sincere whisper in my ears...

i have also given up on the boy.
he was just a boy.

maybe my new surroundings will give me the inspiration i have been needing.
artisticly, that looks promising.
i drew 3 pictures and am already seeing a huge variety of photogrpahy yearning to be discovered.

i wish i had some people to model for me honestly. i have my little sister but some older, more edgy looks would be appreciated.
that would really build up my portfolio im slowly working on.

im moving into more of people photo's than just nature and this place has so many little wonders and quiant backdrops that it would be awesome and i think would turn out very nice...
just need a pro camera now...

jeeezz i am wayyyyyy too inspired by Alex Evans photography, he has totally got me seeing new angels and trying new things =D
which is why i would love for him to model in Ontario here while im visiting XD
Alex Evans, you should model for me...it would be really amature on my part, but you could teach me better :D

anyways, let's hope the creativity sprouts on my second walk downtown tomorrow.
truly, i must say that this is a nice little town too walk through...it's little charms grow on you!

ferkkk *sigh* i miss him, but obviously he dosen't miss me so im guessing it's just...over.

might go downtown later and check stuff out with my sister.

im kinda liking the new routine, drop her off at day care, buy a monster energy drink and hang out and do whatever.
its something i could do (:

but its hard...me and my dad have literally NOTHING to talk about...even when i make an effort he dosen't so like whatever, fine keep it awkward -.-

anyways...idk just waiting for the party's to start i guess *big smiles*
make some summer memories haha

it would be nice if i could find a summer fling though....>_>
but i can't because i am virtually hopeless.
so i won't stay hopeful...

no new musics....sowwie! i just have the shiz on my iPod haha

first off, sorry how weird this might turn out because I'm on my iPod.

So flight was uneventful, me and my sister basically listened to Escape The Fate the whole time.
Its nice because we now can put up with eachother ever since she got obsessed with Craig Mabbitt xD
We drew pictures of him and wrote letters to him, Oli Sykes and Alex Evans :D
Haha it was good.

I just woke up 20 mins ago and I have an amazing feeling from this dream I had...
I was at warped and there was a line to get a kiss on the cheek from...*anticipation thickens* none other than Mr.... MAX FREAKING GREEN!
i got two kisses on both cheeks *smug look*...then I tried to make out with him and he kinds pushed me off....*blushes*
LOL bit thats me, ima pouncer on my men ;D

Also my step bro said that if I talked to this bully for him then he would get me autographs from the whole band...WHICH HE DID :D
and I got some grade 12's friend to beat the kid up xD
what a wonderful dream :)

I also remember telling my friend adequateteen (I'm so cool I shortened it...sorry if I spelled wrong!) that shesthewalrus was playing ON THE WARPED STAGE!

Its funny whenever I'm in a new place, I always have the best and usually ETF dreams...
but I guess my day had a lot of things to trigger that dream.
But hey, you can never have enough Escape The Fate ;)
woahhhh...I didn't mean that ^ dirty at first, but now I do ;)

haha now i sound so solemn xD

anyways, one last entry before i go, which is tomorrow!
im kinda nervous but i think it will be all good...?

and dissapointed that benni never contacted me back...i mean we could have met up =/
idk i think he was like get together with a chick and then just leave or what...?
or im just being a bitch and he is actually too busy or hurt or...
im kinda scarred because someone from the site died a few days ago and yeah...

anyways we will see how everything goes.

BUH BYESSSS IMA MISS YOU GUYS SO SO SO SOOOO MUCH! BAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII *HUGGLES*

NOW I GOTTA GO HAVE SOOO MUCH FUN PAKING...D:<

urghhhh Ontario in one 2 more days....
i can not believe it came so fast, it makes me feel like i want to throw up my 3 rice cakes and a glass of juice >_>
i mean, don't get me wrong, i know im just freaking out and that in the end i will have fun and all...
partayyyy's, family, shopping, maybe seeing the bf that i haven't talked too in forever, and so on and so forth
but still, we might be camping a lot more than i wanted and i don't think i will get to visit with my step family whom i usually have the most fun with -.-
i really really their part of Ontario, with all my old cherished memories.
my dad's is now for visiting and making new memories...*shakes head and smiles*
if you only knew what i was capable of getting into XD
i'll try to keep you as updated as i can ;)

well, i will just play it by ear and see how the hell it turns out...
my cousin is predicting crazy fun already haha 
so maybe i'll make summer 2009 as crazy and fun and intoxicated as i surly can safe and positive  a great summer to learn from!
hehe, oh Megan ;D

anyways...the heat is going down..knda...here :S
i still live in my sweat...sorry TMI.
OH! and there is officially absoloutely nothing wrong with my little sis! *thinks and super huggleing her when she comes home*
haha for shizzle 
that mades meh happy (:

anyways, ima wrap up because i have nothing to say haha
ttyl (:



 they always say true love is all you need 
but when true love is gone can we go on? 
they say true love will never leave 
but my true love is gone, and i can't go on 

i can't go on...

 so i will just, tell you what i know.

my friend had just left to go home,
and i would love to tell you about how great my day was till a point with her, but im too upset.
so i had my shower, where i was actually having a good time (NOT LIKE THAT PERVS) i was dancing and having a rave party due to a song in my head.
so, i got out and hear the phone ring, i thought it was her saying she forgot to take her book home...
after toweling off, i walk downstairs and a message is still being recorded...from the hospital.
my sister's test results came in early  and apparently there is a little something wrong with her.
it had better be something little. 
im so so so worried.
when i heard the message, after a fun day, my heart dropped  and broke in two. 
i cannot handle this...
all i want to do is, well you know. 
if you don't its nothing pervy.
i can't wait till the fam goes to bed and i can.
thats all i crave right now.
don't try to stop me world, i need this.

i crave this...

i want this.

im sorry, so much cutting entry's lately and i know readers don't want to hear about it.
but this is a place where i vent it, so if you don't wanna read, then please don't.

im just so....TIRED, UPSET, SCREWED OVER, SAD, AND HOPELESS.
i love my family so much, and it is so true that you don't know what you have till it's gone.
im regretting every rotten thing i have done to her and wanting every good memory back...
just like when my brother died.
i need to stop talking like this though, i mean we don't even know what is wrong....
and thinking of how we will when my mom gets home..scares me to high hell.

when we were hanging today, she told me she has a bit of a bald spot.
and she kinda very faintly does, from the loosing hair thing...
and i she immediately puts on her hat.
i asked her if that is why she wears her hat so much, even indoors.
she mumbled yes.
she is even wearing it now.

that.fucking.breaks.my.heart.into.tiny.little.pieces.

 and you were driving through the night...

ferk (made up words to replace swear words, FTW), i am just too tired to deal with it all.
tired of it and tired because i lack proper sleep
for shizzle, my sleeping habits are really bad...

last night, i stayed up listening to music, just melting in the heat and staring out the window in complete darkness.
it was pretty calming, just me, in the dark and my iPod.
finally i went to sleep though...only to wake sweating like a pig.
ITS SOFA KING HAWT OUTSIDE D:<
but anyways, yus the early early morning and late at night seem to be my fave points of the day.
mainly because night=dark and black and morning=calming and refreshing, cool and just turning light.
*sigh*

ok and the boyfriend...
wait...OMG D:
i didn't even tell you!
he (the mixed signals guy, member?)  finally asked me out on....Sunday? yus, Sunday.
and it is now Tuesday and i haven't even heard from him 
...
im afraid, when i finally do he will just be like,
ok, well i think we need to break up or the infamous "we need to talk"
or...YOUR ANNOYING STUPID AND NOT ATTRACTIVE THEREFOR I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE BETTER FUGLY LG.
D:
am i stressing myself out or should i be worried...?

for the closure....OWL CITY IS TEH SEX.
the music will either make you happy or sad or both
but either way...amazing!

urgh urgh, no formalities or cheery banter today.
test results for my sister come in Wednesday  
so i will have to wait until then.
im trying to hold myself back from last night's events.
solely because after i had cut into my leg, it hurt for hours and hours.
it scarred me a lot, not enough to never cut again, but not to tonight.
i said i was getting dangerous with my cutting,
well after the twitchy, tingley, bloody leg, yeah i guess i am.
i think i went to deep -.-
which makes me upset because normally i make sure i am very very careful.
but hey, life is about taking risks.

anyways, after being scarred by some snakeish noise that i think has the sprinklers and too upset to sleep,
i stayed up all night.
my first REAL all nighter..by myself...yeah...im a loser.
so i finally look out the window at 5 am and omg it was light out!
i watched the sky brighten and it uplifted me, it was very pretty.
i haven't seen it because i always sleep in till freaking 9-12 am every day.
i really want to do the same thing tonight but this morning i felt like complete shit...so maybe ill sleep tonight :P
but at 5 am i also finished off this book my friend lent me caled Beige
it was really really good! 
it was all about punk music and a prep girl being sent to live with her punk rocker dad in LA.
it rocked and got me into punk music ahha

ive had so much time...ive gotten lotsa new music >.>
but anyways im on a punk roll right now 
The Ramones and The Clash right now, dominate my iTunes.

Besides this song i will leave you with that makes me want to cry...
and this is how i will end up today's entry.
www.youtube.com/watch

 you know what, i have always had a low self esteem so i am not afraid to say this,
no, i am not strong enough and yes i DO let my problems get the best of me!

and frankly my dear, i do not give a damn.
i look at these fresh little cuts on my body, stinging like a bitch and i feel relieved.
not proud, but relieved.

because i always feel better after i hurt myself.
that sounds sick and scary and twisted, but thats me.
like it or not, thats me and im not changing for anyone.
i know it's wrong...
actually yo know what? i don't.
because it is something that helps me and leaves a scar but hey, how is that different from a coloured tattoo scar?
and SOMETIMES tattoos do not help you where as cutting can.

unless....you get dangerous with it like i did tonight.
i started going deeper and caring less how much more close i got my wrist area.
thats when you have to have the strength to stop because thats when the bad (bad to you not to me) things happen to yourself.

i guess i freaked out but goddamit i have reason too.

in 2006, my brother died.
when i was told that, the day after it happened, that was the worst day of my life.
hearing those words from my teary eyed, shaking mother, forever changed me.
you cannot describe the feeling of awfulness that brings...and you do not know unless it has happened to you.
its like being punched in the stomach and stabbed at the same time...
that was also the day i more or less conciously, turned into an athiest.
most people after hard ship are supposed to gain faith well i lost it.

tonight, my mom told me my sister needs tests.
she hasn't been eating and apparently looses a lot of hair.
im more or less sure she will be alright, kind of...well kind of....
after i broke down, my mom assured me i was freaking.

but when you know that feeling...
you never, ever want it again. ever.
it is the single worst thing you can possibly feel, losing someone you love.

im just trying to forget it all...
and cutting helps, im just trying to forget...
just for now.
because you never want to forget forever.
never forget.

***

Brother, the day i lost you,

I lost a piece of my heart,

And my faith too.

I felt pierced like the board under a dart.

Sister, now you scare me, 

Please do not leave me, ever!

I want to lock you in my life and throw away the key.

To loose someone i dearly love, is something i don’t want to feel again, never.

I cry for you,

These messy tears.

And now bleed too,

From all the fears.

Brother, you left a hole in me.

Sister, now that i know what it feels like,

I don’t want to experience what it would be like without us, a we.

 ok, so my name is Megan and i will be venting about cutting.

as you all know, this is a little habit i have adapted into though i've been clean for quiet awhile and i haven't even been trying to be..
just nothing has pushed me over the edge enough...
because to me, cutting is just a release!
this is a subject that i get very deffensive over so watch the fuck out.

ok, so this afternoon i was catching up on my missed episode of The Real World: Cancun on MTV
i love this show but something in this episode made me want to set fire to a whole hospital of babies...and that was too far...

One of the girls, Aiiya, gave herself 1 cut because she couldn't handle all the pressure and stress and BULL SHIT.
sure sometimes she deserved it, but i hated her at first and i don't now like her beacuse she cust herself.
this episode, she actually opened up as a real person and could see the shit she went through.
so my fave guy on there Joey, decides to make her life even more of a living hell when he hears that Aiiya cut herself.
and at one point he makes comments like, "do you have a knife" and when Aiiya punches a glass closet door, he says "did you cut yourself with that too!"
LIKE SCREW OFF DUDE. 
would you like to see my knife too, because i will sure as hell show it too you D:<
ok enough death threats...i mean Joey is a class A douche but he is hot...and thats all.
but seriosuly, what gives him the right to say that!
that was a legit problem that she had been suffering through since she was 13 years old, which i am now.
and for her to be 20 something, clean for awhile, and put under enough shit to re do old habits...
i think he should get his life in check.
im sorry, Joey i still love you on the show, but sometimes you take things TOO far and yes she deserved it in the beginning...
but for you too also say, "oh well it was just for attention" no, it wasn't.
Im not her idk, but i do know this:
i cut to help myself, not for attention. i cut because i am now addicted like a drug and its not for attention.
its the only way of release i have and i don't want ANYONE to know. its NOT for attention.
its all i have, and i wish i could hug Aiiya now, even if she is a bitch. 
i know exactly how she feels.

I just think that Joey should be more compassionte and not push to that point.
i mean those little things build up, and targeting cutting makes it all worse.
every comment i have ever gotten for cutting built up one day, and thats when i grabbed for a bottle of whtever pills they were...
yeah so that was an experience.
too bad it didn't fucking kill me...


and tonight, my friends friend facebook IM's me and says been grounded for cutting lately.
i told her that was personal and she said lol
she said, but you always are.
thats when i exploded and just logged off and came to LJ.
people are so harsh of cutters and it's not right.
im not looking for your sympathy, im looking for your understanding.
i do not care if you feel bad for me, i hope you don't, i just want everyone to understand, cutting is a serious addiction, not something to laugh at and poke fun of.
see right now, bringing up all the comments i have gotten and my feelings, i feel like i want to grab the kitchen knife.

fuck. 

but i won't, because some parents actually do not condone that, big freaking shock.

so call me a emo kid (which you should actually be saying scene tsk tsk), call me depressed, tell me to get help, or call me an attention whore. idc, you didn't have to read this.

and maybe viewers at home don't know the whole story, i mean i wasn't there in Cancun getting wasted (oh how i wish i was) but this is just my reaction from seeing what i saw.
i know MTV can twist the show in certain peoples favours but hey, based on what i have been shown, this is what i was thinking. so take what i have said into consideration, or don't. i don't give a flying fuck.

i'll just go back to listening to Owl City anyways =P
which btw are an amazing band!
if your into Nevershoutnever! you will like Owl City too!
so far my fave songs are fireflies, hello seattle, designer skyline, and the bird and the worm.
the lyrics are kinda crazy and the beats are mellow but fun, check em out!
im cooling down from my rant to them right now haha 

 seems like LJ is deserted, i haven't seen any sign of anyone D:
maybe because you guys have lives....*sigh*

damnit, you know what has been bothering me...
MY STUPID TYPING D:
my typos are getting unbearable...

OMMFG IM SO BORING!
talking about typos *shakes head*

btw OMMFG= Oh My Mother F***ing Gawd, i made it up, you like?

oh oh!
guess what?
boy drama, that's what D:
i mean like one minute you think they like you..
the next you think they think of you ONLY as a friend....
stupid men, your stupid when you do that to us girls....

maybe i will always be stuck in the helpful friend zone...

 I IS BACK PEOPLE FROM CAMPING!
that is all. 

well, unless you want to hear about camping...?
day 1, i looked good and really skinny, no hawties.
day 2. still kinda skinny but not as nice, 1 or 2 hawties.
day 3, fat and fugly and crawling with hawties.
fml.

it was relaxing but i couldn't go swimming
and i had to eat and couldn't excercise.
fml.

it was ok, we will say (:

uhhh yeah so that is a spongebob referance...-.-'
ima just leave this here....


rofl, the reason i got that song stuck in my head is because..we're going camping tomorrow...
no showering, no hair products, no make up, forced to eat, can't work out. might have to put on a bathing suit, dealing with my family for 3 days....this is gonna be the best trip ever!
jeezz....i sound like a pessimistic ungrateful bitch -.-'
i mean i appreciate that this is gonna be in a nice trailer that was quiet exspensive...
but at the same time, there are certain elements of my life that i hate living without for the day.
the fact that i will have nothing to charge my iPod on might be a problem...
but maybe i will just catch up on my reading.
the hardest thing will be keeping my eating under control...especially with my gramma and mom there *headdesk*
i mean i went grocery shopping today and theres gonna be a lotta food....urgh.
oh well...i will live(?), but ima miss you LiveJournal for 3 days!

also, the big annual Ontario trip is coming up on August 1st, to see the male parental units.
im excited for having fun (partying my ass off) and making more summer memories (doing unsafe things i will always remember)
but the trip can be a bitch sometimes, depends how the season will turn.
idk yet...but i will keep you updated...

Alex Evans birthday is in 10 days...*awkward silence*

i hate my life.